Friday, January 26, 2018


Hello. It's been awhile, as usual.

Can I ask for a permission to be more vulnerable today? If not, don't scroll down.

If yes, then let me do this short photo essay with a few sentimental sentences/paragraphs that shows how even with light basking into a room in Bali that I got to stay in for free, still, I did question my existence and values just like how I always did back home. Just like how I always did back in the waterfront stony seatings alongside the river at Chelsea Piers. It's just that somehow on the morning of 2nd of January, I got enough sanity and energy to take my camera and document this 'routine'.


Have you ever seen those movies when the first thing people do when they transform into something, they always check their hands, move them around, and all that?

I stare at my hands, most of the time while laying on my back and raising them up. Checking the fingers --still got ten of those. Checking the shape, of how it doesn't look as dainty as other women's. Checking the nails, which I considered as brand new due to stopping my longtime habit of biting them around eleven months ago.

What would I be without these hands?
How can I still feel so worthless and useless when I still got these hands?
What am I without these veins, lines, fats and muscles that wrap themselves around my bones?
And how can I still be so mean to them, for being there for me, for proving that existence can always be proven when I look at them?

Catching light with these hands, manually, combined with my eyes, and a camera that I barely can hold properly, are these all supposed to be enough to make me feel at least a bit of feeling of being allowed to accept --and later, to love --myself?

With this self-centeredness, I was thrown into chaos. "You are one ugly hell of a human being," I heard some of those abstract voices inside my head telling me as I document all of this. Yet then there's those who said "Wow, that's not bad. You still got that thing you lost inside of you a long time ago."

The battle starts.

I tried to catch those 'not bad' abstract voices to lead me out of the cave of questions, guilt, and assumptions. I've held my bladder for about a few minutes or so. I wanted to get out of the bed, get of of the room, and start my day. To start my day. How simple is that?

And I figuratively bled, scarred, scabbed.

But scars seems to be the double-edged swords that I kept with me every time I got out of each battle. I feel like I was punished properly, yet disappointed for not being able to protect myself today. Sometimes I forgot my shield on purpose, sometimes I just let the battle not happen at all and white flagged all of my body to the sacrificial table; the bed that I will have to stay in for the next eighteen hours or so.

In the end, we all have to get out of bed.

And get dragged, and do things, and try and try and try and try again.
The fucking game of life for the human that rarely photosynthesizes, even when she needs to.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

chicago, day two.

Five months after graduation and I'm still somewhat surviving. Well, barely, I guess. I have been taking things really slowly when it comes to career. Since February, mental health becomes the number one priority in my life, and therefore even though passion still comes alongside with that, I have to keep my mood in-check every day, week, and month. Still trying to get the hang of it but I have a good feeling about this month.

Anyways with that, I flew to Chicago to visit Abby (a.k.a. Muse No. 5) since she invited me a few months ago. A lot of my friends were surprised that someone convinced me to come this far, because I've always been reclusive and known as convenience-first type of person. I am still not sure what made me buy the tickets to fly here. Maybe it was the good deals, or the art museums, or the chance to get away from the city, or to be inspired just by having my muse around me. Maybe it's all of them. But one thing I'm sure of is that so far I've been enjoying everything.

Quick briefing; today Abby took me to Wicker Park area. Started the day by eating deep dish pizza at Lou Malnati's. Then since wee both really like books and bookstores we ended up visiting Quimby's and Myopic Books. Highlight of the day would be Jeni's; for the love of every milk-producing cow in the world, the Mont Blanc Buttermilk Frozen Yogurt ice cream comes at number one of my top five ice cream flavor list.

After that we had to go back to the apartment due to a little emergency. We still took off before sundown to Montrose Park where there was a friggin' dog beach! Ended up having a small shoot and we discussed about coming back there again for the next day.

So yeap, I'll be in Chicago 'till the 8th. Hopefully this trip can give me new perspectives and rekindled some of the blown-out candles of inspirations. If not, well, at least I got out of my room for a longer while. That's always a good thing.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

digitals: ju.

Captured a few digitals of Juliette around a week ago. She's the sweetest and handiest (she works in the tool room) croissant around the Fine Arts building. You should check her works out when it's out. Currently preparing a project involving a couple of people, including her, so let's see what happens. All I know right now is that it'll be fun 'cause it's always fun to work with the peops that knows you best as a person and as an artist.

It's nice to climb back slowly into the creative zone :)

Friday, June 17, 2016


Summer in New York made me sort of anti-social. Well at least I haven't been going out as much as I used to, but people went to my place a lot for a quick rest or just a full day of watching TV and eating take outs. Yeap, life after graduation has been pretty slow.

At some point last week, I've decided to start taking pictures again for the sake of it. So I bought the camera I've been eyeing for two years, and to be honest, it felt weird looking at the pictures I took from the new camera. Maybe I have some sort of an attachment problem with my DSLR. Let's see how it goes, though. I mean now I'm pretty much free from academic obligations, so I'm looking forward to what I'll be creating from now on.

For now, here's a few pictures I took today of my New York familia, including our current foster dog Genevieve. She's a mix of chihuahua and cavalier King Charles spaniel. Very well behaved, breaking our hearts everyday, chill as fuck, and just a blessing from the world because she came during our finals which saved the household from blowing up into a pile of stressed and jumbled Asian puddle.

So yeap, stay dry wherever you are, peops.

Saturday, December 26, 2015

a day after.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to you all!

New York has been a little bit gloomy and warm these days. It's not depressing at all, but the atmosphere is surely unusual. It's been awhile since I brought my camera during short trips to museums or hang outs; it's heavy and I wanted to try to focus on the quality time as much as I can, whether with artworks or human beings. But today I wanted to see if I could capture the somberness of this city.

And so Diana and I went to the Morgan Library. It used to be the private library of a financier called Pierpont Morgan back in the 1800s, but now it's open for public as a museum. We weren't allowed to take any pictures in the special exhibition –we went to see Martin Puryear's drawings which were beige and beautiful– yet we enjoyed a lot of the illuminations and relics in the permanent exhibition. The library itself looks very regal and red. Rich people back in those days seemed to be so fond of velvet colors and dark oaks, but instead of darkening the atmosphere, there's a sense of intelligent festivities within every room.

Ok, surely I am going all-out-nerd explaining about the library. But if you ever go to NYC and wants to have a bit of a time travel, go and check out the permanent collection of this library.

Enjoy the rest of the year!


My photo
Photosynthesizing around the world.